Pip: On today’s show we hope to make you think

Squeak: That’s right, we each will say a sentence, after which you will hopefully wonder about the way we as a society operate.

Pip: Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

Squeak: For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Pip: I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Squeak: I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

Pip: I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

Squeak: I have an answering machine in my car. The message says 'I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'

Pip: I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how to get out.

Squeak: I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Pip: I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

Squeak: I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine.

Pip: Our last thought comes to us from the comedian Andy Andrews, who pulled up to a Burger King and while reading the menu noticed a small sign that read “Picture menus available upon request” Of course it was to good to pass up, so upon arriving at the window he asked the waitress “who are your picture menus for?” The waitress replied “For those who can’t read” Andy then asked “And how are they supposed to know that you have those” The waitress looked at him like he was crazy “The sign of course”.

Squeak: And they think Elvis is still alive, no wonder.

Badger: No hold on a minute, I happen to think that it’s quite possible Elvis is still alive.

Pip: What? You think Elvis is still alive?

Badger: Of course, don’t you?

Pip: Until next time, from all of us here at the NNNN, good night.

In the background:

Squeak: Your crazy, there is now way Elvis is still alive.

Badger: Of course he is….

Pip: Welcome to today’s show, as comedians on the National Nonsense News Network (The NNNN) we—

Squeak: I thought that stood for Nutty Nutcase New Network—

Pip: Ahem, it is our great privilege to honor those who blazed the trail before us, and set the stage for comedians. Of these were two well known comedians, Abbot and Costello. Today we have for you there famous “Who’s on First” routine, which you can listen to on our media player.

Squeak: Thanks for listening, enjoy, and good night.

Pip: As a side note this will be the last time we will notify everyone on in our guestbook when we publish. Isaac’s Country and the Pip and Squeak Show now offer MSN alerts, where you can sign up to be notified every time Isaac’s Country is updated.

(You can listen to this clip, now stored here: http://www.radiocrazy.com/shows/A/AbbottCostello/ABCOWhosOnFirstclip.mp3)

To read other Pip and Squeak shows click Pip and Squeak under categories on the top left hand side of the page.

Pip: Welcome to today’s show

Squeak: Today we have a segment on our government *sigh*

Pip: Our first thought comes from Nate Grant, our historical consultant.

Nate: Thank you, When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.  To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again -- enjoy paying them.

Squeak: Our second thought comes from Paige Turner, our legal consultant

Paige: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.  Why don't we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

Pip: And our last thought of the day comes from Dr. Love, our relationship expert.

Dr. Love: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!  It creates a hostile work environment

Squeak: Special thanks to The ValPal for these thoughts.

Pip: Hope you enjoyed them as much as we did.

Squeak: Until next time, God Bless

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Pip: It’s that time again, time to start thinking about the next semester, I know I know, most of us can’t believe Christmas Break is almost over, but it is, and its time to start thinking about buying textbooks, figuring out how to pay for that really big Tuition bill that’s almost due, and other little stresses.

Squeak: To help lighten the stress a little we have a College entrance essay that we hope you will enjoy reading.

Pip:This is supposedly an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is reportedly now attending NYU.

Squeak:

3A. ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.

I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to college.

Pip: I give him an A, how about the rest of you?

Squeak: Until next time, God bless.

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Squeak: Sitting in today for Pip, who is out enjoying the Holidays with his family, is Paige Turner, our legal consultant here at the Pip and Squeak Show.

Paige: Thanks Squeak it’s a real honor to be here today.

Squeak: As this year draws to a close we must all be thinking about the IRS, and filing all the right documents, it is my understanding that you have brought us a humorous piece that is sure to lighten our mood while filling out these long forms.

Paige: That is right, before I read the letter to the IRS that I have in front of me I think you should give the intro.

Squeak:  Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Paige: Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year, she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence. (Edited) This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her 'r's'. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of 'nests' in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob

Squeak: It is worth noting that the IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.

Paige: From all of us here at the NNNN, good night.

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Pip: Welcome to tonight’s, late late show.

Squeak: Don’t you mean early morning show?

Pip: How about this: WELCOME TO DEAD WEEK USA!!

Squeak: That’s right students around the nation are now stressing themselves to the max as the become smothered by finals; in honor of them I have composed a small poem that I would like to read you, it’s titled: T'was the night before finals.

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would free up their thinking.

In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
Her nose in her books,
And my comments to her
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring that
My nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
All of a sudden,
He started to bellow.

"On Cliff Notes, on Crib Notes
On Last Year Exams.
On Wingit and Slingit
And Last Minute Crams."

His message delivered
He vanished from sight.
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.

Your teachers have pegged you
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All
And to all a Good Test.

Pip: Good luck on your finals everyone, and please, try to get some sleep before the sun comes up.

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Pip: Welcome to today’s show.

Squeak: Our historical consultant hasn’t had much going on lately so during one of his more relaxing days he came up with some new definitions for us.

Nate: That’s right

Squeak: Alright you’ve given me a list or words here, and your going to give me the new definition after I read the word right?

Nate: Right

Squeak: Ok, Adult

Nate: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Squeak: Beauty parlor

Nate: A place where women go to curl up and dye.

Squeak: Cannibal

Nate: Someone who is fed up with people.

Squeak: Chickens

Nate: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Squeak: Committee

Nate: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Squeak: Dust

Nate: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Squeak: Egotist

Nate: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Squeak: Inflation

Nate: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Squeak: Myth

Nate: A female moth.

Squeak: Mosquito

Nate: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Squeak: Raisin

Nate: Grape with a sunburn.
Squeak: Secret

Nate: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Squeak: Toothache

Nate: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Squeak: Yawn

Nate: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Squeak: Wrinkles

Nate: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Squeak: Gossip

Nate: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Pip: In other news the ratings on our website are doing well, we have an average of forty views a day. So why aren’t y’all leaving comments?

Squeak: Because they keep saying that they’ll do it tomorrow, Nate what’s the definition of tomorrow?

Nate: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Squeak: See

Pip: Ahh, I do, well then I guess that is enough for today’s show, from all of us here at the NNNN, good night.

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Pip: Today we have in studio our legal consultant Paige Turner

Squeak: During some of her research Paige found and interesting story that we thought you should hear…Paige

Paige: Thank you, the case was Decker vs. The Bundle Insurance Company.

Decker had purchased a  twenty four count box of cigars, but not just any kind of cigars, they were rare and expensive cigars. So of course he had them insured by the Bundle Insurance Company, and he made sure that his policy included fire coverage.

Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, Decker filed a claim against the Bundle Insurance Company.

In his claim, Decker stated the cigars were "lost in a series of small fires".

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that Decker had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

Decker sued... and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated, nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be 'unacceptable fire', and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the Bundle Insurance Company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000. For the rare cigars he had lost in the 'fires'.

Squeak: Now’s when it gets good.

Paige: After Decker cashed the check the next day, the Bundle Insurance Company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.

With his insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, Decker was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000. fine.

Pip: It should be noted that this is a true story and it won the 1999 Criminal Darwin Award.

Squeak: The names have been changed to protect the innocent, or guilty, as the case may be.

Pip: So Paige what are you working on for your next show?

Paige: I have a letter from a man who was denied his dependents claim by the IRS.

Squeak: We’ll be looking forward to having you on again.

Pip: Until next time, from all of us here at the NNNN, good night.

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Pip: Welcome to this special edition of the Pip and Squeak show, our thanksgiving special.

Squeak: That’s right, as families get together for that huge wonderful meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberries, etc, I have a simple question burning in my brain.

Pip: And what might that be?

Squeak: What would have happened if the pilgrims would have shot and eaten a cougar on that first thanksgiving?

Pip: Today we have invited everyone to come on board with apiece of holiday humor. We'll start with Dr. Love.

Dr. Love: I have a piece of humor I found in relationship magazine it told a little story that went something like this:

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough." 
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Then he hangs up. 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares."

Badger: Well for those of you who will be cooking turkey this thanksgiving, and who will burn the turkey, I have some reasons to be thankful for that burnt bird.

• The smoke alarm was due for a test.
• Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
• Pets won’t bother to pester you for scraps.
• No one will overeat.
• Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
• Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
• You’ll get to the desserts even quicker.

Nate Grant: I have brought a poem, by an unknown author, its called The Flying Turkey.

The turkey shot out of the oven,
And rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table,
And partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner,
And burst with a deafening boom.
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows.
It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance.
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it.
That turkey was out of control!

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been popped.

Pip: Alright, my turn I have some Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving:

During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice. You were worried for nothing."

When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

Squeak: I have a small prayer…

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving

dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He

began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one

by one. Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,

Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the

turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies,

the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--

and waited.  After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his

mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't

he know that I'm lying?"

Paige: I’ve composed a list of things I’m thankful for:

I am Thankful for...

... the taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.

... the clothes that fit a little to snug because it means I have enough to eat.

... my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

... a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

... the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

... my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.

... all the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.

... the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

... the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.

... the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive.

... weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.

I have never really thought about it in this way, but I'm thankful for all this and more. I hope you are too!

Everyone: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

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Pip: Welcome to tonight’s show; as we have examined our producer’s trial we got to wondering, who would be the best type of person to match whits with a lawyer—

Squeak: I got it, I got it

Pip: What are you talking about?

Squeak: I figured it out, the best type of person to match whit’s with a lawyer.

Pip: And who might that be?

Squeak: A blonde

Pip: Please, be serious

Squeak: No, listen to this: I was on a plane earlier today and I saw a blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on that plane.

Pip: Ok

Squeak: The lawyer asked her to play a game.

Pip: What kind of game?

Squeak: If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars.

Pip: So?

Squeak: So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question

Pip: Which is?

Squeak: "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Pip: I don’t know, what is it?

Squeak: I don’t know, and neither did the blonde so without a word the blonde paid the lawyer five dollars.

Pip: Obviously she couldn't out smart the lawyer, where is this going?

Squeak: Hold on it was now the blonde’s turn and she asked the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?"

Pip: Goes up with four and comes down with three? Have you lost your mind?

Squeak: Hold on, your ruining my joke.

Pip: Ok, go on.

Squeak: The lawyer thought about it, but finally gave up and paid the blonde 50 dollars.

Pip: Yeah?

Squeak: Well now it was the lawyers turn again, and he was really curious as to what the answer to the blonde question was, so he asked her what the answer was to her question.

Pip: What was it?

Squeak: I don’t know, without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

Pip: We have *breaking news*

Squeak: Our producer has been charged with first degree murder of bambi’s father.

Pip: Paige Turner is covering this story live from the trial room.

Paige: The opening of the trial started with the charges being read to the court by the prosecuting lawyer Lindsey: “The defendant, Cowboy, is accused of fatally wounding Bambi's father. The prosecution charged him with murder in the first degree, although technically Bambi's father was not human. Looking past that small detail, murder in the first degree fits the description of the defendant's actions. The prosecution contends that the defendant pre-meditated this malicious act. It was clearly willful and deliberate.”

Settlement was considered by both side, the prosecution made this offer: Should the defendant plead guilty to murder in the first degree, we offer him 15 years in prison (considering Bambi's father was not in fact human), serving no less than 10 years.

Which was countered by the defendants lawyer (Jonathan): 10 years is madness! no deal! take the $400 or we'll even fight it up to the supreme court. And we know how much Antonin Scalia likes to hunt! (remember the scandal when he went duck hunting with Dick Cheney?)

The prosecuting lawyer turned down the deal saying: $400? You must be crazy. This is Bambi's father we're talking about! No deal.

So on the first day the first witness was called to the stand in which she gave the following statement: My first piece of evidence has to do with Cowboy's blog - Isaac's world. I first visited it when he mentioned it on the Hiya thread.  I was reading through past posts and noticed one that mentioned his recent hunting trip.  Upon reading it, I was shocked to see that Cowboy was gloating, yes gloating, about his recent kill of an innocent Buck and Deer.  He had pictures showing their heads mounted on the wall and they bear a striking resemblance to Bambi's parents.  On the following post he made reference that he had discovered that these deer were the parents of Bambi, but there was no remorse shown.  Instead he spoke about how he had planned the kill, gotten up before dawn, layed in the trees for several hours before getting the kill.  Since this thread has started, I've noticed that the two posts have mysteriously disappeared.  And I think it should be noted that all Disney characters are human in character, even if not in form.

The defendant cross examined in the absence of his lawyer, in an effort to discredit the witness he offered the following cross examination:  Your honor in the absence of my lawyer, I wish to cross examine the witness.
May I remind you Damarus you are under oath, may I also remind you that under Utah code Title 76, Chapter 8, Part 502, the penalty for lying under oath is a second degree felony.
Damarus you claim that this blog is called "Isaac's world", are you sure of all of your facts? I submit to you there are a minimum of four different blogs titled "Isaac's World" The truth, simply put, my blog is not Isaac's World but Isaac's Country. Could you possibly be mistaken?
You accuse me of tampering with evidence by deleting blogs; may I bring to your attention the archives which may be accessed on my site? I have never deleted a blog, for any reason, nor I have I ever deleted a picture. All pictures that have ever been on my site still are up, and there is none showing a buck deer, let alone a mounted buck deer, no where in my possessions will you find a mounted deer head, of any kind. I invite your honor to tour my home and overlook my possessions if they have any doubt, I will not require a search warrant. .
I submit to the court that Damarus, while I believe her intentions were honest and sincere, has an obvious case of mistaken identity. Possibly she stumbled across another blog in which case her comments may reflect the truth of that blog.
Also as the defendant didn't not have the right of objection, let the record show that the defendant is not on trial for tampering with evidence.

Today’s session started out with a statement from the defendant’s lawyer:  Bambi's statement is inadmissible hearsay. Even if true, the facts that the defendant was in hunting gear and was in the vicinity OR was photographed with dead animals is circumstantial. It is neither illegal to bear arms nor to be photographed with game.
The defense concedes that Disney characters are human if not in physical form, but in all other legal purposes.

The main witness was also put on the stand again in which she retracted he statement the previous day saying: I confess that I said the wrong name of the blog on the stand, but that was purely a mistake and it was indeed Issac's Country. As for looking at the records, everyone knows that it is possible to hide ones tracks. As for there being no deer hung at his house anymore, that is irrlevant as he could have taken them down at any time.

The defense objected saying: Objection, the defendant is not on trial for tampering with evidence.

We will be bringing you the rest of the trial as it happens.

Pip: Indeed we will keep you informed as this trial develops.

Squeak: And now back to your normal programming…what ever that is.

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Pip: Hey everyone, we have a new workout for those of you who want to get in shape this year.

Squeak: You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

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NOW SCROLL UP...

Pip: That's enough for the first day!

Squeak: That's all for tonight folks, good night from all of us here at the NNNN

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Pip: Tonight we bring you a piece of news from the deep with in the Enron scandal.

Squeak: Our story revolves around the former chairman whom we shall call Kenny.

Pip: We now head into the studio where Paige Turner is standing by.

Paige: Kenny was a nice boy growing up in the city. He loved it; his parents however had some financial difficulties, forcing them to move into the country. Kenny soon found that farming was much more difficult work then when he had experienced in the city on his paper route.

Eventually Kenny decided he wanted a Donkey so that he could ride around after his day was done, and head down to his favorite fishing hole. Shopping around he finally found and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, however, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already on some feed for my horses."

Kenny said, "Okay, then, at least give me the donkey."

To this the confused farmer replied "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny smiled, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer knowing no one would ever buy a dead donkey said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny grinned broadly and replied, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

It was about a month later when the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny laughed and said "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer shook his head and asked "Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Replied Kenny

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Squeak: That’s it for tonight’s special

Pip: Until next time, God Bless.

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To read other Pip and Squeak shows click Pip and Squeak under categories on the top left hand side of the page.

Pip: Today’s show is marketed to those of you who have been unfortunate enough, and foolish enough, not to subscribe to the Do Not Call List.

Squeak: Our show will cover the ten ways to harass the telemarketer when they call.

Pip: Number 10:

Squeak: When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."

Pip: Keep going until they hang up, if they start saying “Mam (Or sir)” keep going…don’t stop, they don’t stop for you, why should you stop for them? Next, number 9:

Squeak: If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located.

Pip: Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Next, the 8th way to harass telemarketers:

Squeak: Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

Pip: This can turn out to be quite hilarious. Number 7:

Squeak: If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

Pip: When they don’t reply, begin making up a story of how you lost all your friends, and why you don’t have any. Number 6:

Squeak: If they want to loan you money, tell them you are just about to file for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Pip: And then ask them how much you can borrow. Number 5:

Squeak: After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

Pip: This will work wonders; however, we understand that some of you might not be comfortable with this approach. Number 4:

Squeak: Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

Pip: The sad part is even though they’ll most likely agree with you, they won’t take the hint. Number 3.

Squeak: Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Pip: This is our producer’s favorite, he keeps going until they hang up wondering what kind of guy Leon is. Number 2:

Squeak: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down...

Pip: And if you are on the Do Not Call List, tell them to do this, and for them to give you their phone number, so you can report them, they’ll be gone so quick it will amaze you, I would be to if I didn’t want to face a $10,000 fine. And now, the first, and foremost option:

Squeak: Say “I’m so glad you called Jane, I really need some help with my college algebra, do you know how to solve a 6 by 6 Matrix using complex fractions?”

Pip: Since most telemarketers are college students trying to barley make a living, the thought of college algebra will drive fear deeply into their hearts.

Squeak: While we feel some pity for the position many telemarketers who do the calling are in, poor college kids, etc, we feel no remorse for harassing their constant harassment of us, it’s no wonder it has one of the highest turn rate jobs in the U.S.

Pip: Until next time, good night from all of us here at the National Nonsense New Network.

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To read other Pip and Squeak shows click Pip and Squeak under categories on the top left hand side of the page.